GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
True strength comes from lack of pants
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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