Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
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