When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
