We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
