Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
bring money and cleavage
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
