hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
