So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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