All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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