; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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