I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
