he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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