My friends, they love my intelligence
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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