My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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