my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
