Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
The chlamydia really affected his face.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
this hospital has no fireball
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
