Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
