when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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