The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Randomize
