I cannot find my penis.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
she told me i tasted like america
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
