I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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