made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I fill condoms, not promises.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Everclear isn't food dammit
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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