Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
