do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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