I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
