Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
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I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
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there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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