Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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