The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
