you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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