I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
