if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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