oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
are you so shy because you have an std?
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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