Your face is a jimmy john
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
