did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I forget how to act sober
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
