I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
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Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
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Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
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