my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
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