Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
