well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
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Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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