I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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