I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
