i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
