I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
