Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
