I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
