Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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