Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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