Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
