I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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