Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
