No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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