I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
love makes seman taste better
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
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I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
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I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
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