Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
