woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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