Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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